Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ignorance

Ignorance

Mark Coleman

He keeps folding the bill until it’s virtually non-existent. Stares hard at the bit that should carry some meaning. It’s simply not there. It’s gone into hiding. Flips the light switch a few times. Nothing happens that hasn’t happened a million times before. Puts the pan on the stove. Drizzles in a bit of grease. Knowing that it’ll stick, either way. Washes it out, and resumes the search for a bottle that’s not there.

Looking in places that a bottle would never be. Overturns the flowerpot, and nervously sifts the dirt with a malformed toe. (Rocking back and forth with his head in his trembling hands. Inwardly sobbing with unbearable desperation and dejection.) Drinks every open bottle and forgotten glass, in the hopes that something is secreted away in them. Takes apart the computer on the off chance that a shooter is wrapped up in one of its many wires.

The shakes take over his body again, and he doubles over. On the point of weeping, he wraps himself in a blanket. Trying to concentrate on the carpet he’s standing on, he bites his lip so hard that he draws blood. Shoves his hands into his pockets, and tries to force her image from his mind. It remains there, unclear but definite like everything he’s ever dreamt.

Wisps of her and the things she said adding gravity to the sweat running into his eyes. (The taste of her lips. How it felt to be inside of her. The flaxen hair brushing him into the awareness that everything was, and would remain, alright and harmonious.)

Repeatedly blinking. Head spinning. Vomit starts to fill his mouth. He doesn’t throw up in any kind of conventional sense. He just opens up over the sink, and a block of undigested food falls into the drain. His DT terrified mind causes it to sprout legs, and lunge at him. His legs buckle.

On the floor, unable to keep the refrigerator in focus, he hyperventilates. Every inch of his skin carries its own particular spasm and itch. He turns from side to side, wishing for nothing more than to remain undetected in his convex foxhole. Every strand of his hair seems to carry its own individual electrical current. Supercharged carving knives trying to negotiate the retreating tiles. It occurs to him that the only thing that is certain is that this will never end. (Stolen kisses that gave him life. The bounce it all brought to his step. The change in his demeanor. The lines erased. The pain negated. The pride of every moment spent in her embrace flowing into every other aspect of his life.)

His spine is being broken segment by segment by unseen forces. The very cones and rods of his eyes are exploding. The dust motes are begging recognition through impossibly high screams. His body no longer belongs to him. It belongs to a starving contortionist on the riverfront, who wants nothing more than to work up the courage to drown himself.

He has to find alternates to drinking bleach. If he attempts that, his misery will only be accelerated. The last thing he needs is a psychosomatic seizure. The triggers of the guns require too much extension. His fingers are neither long nor elastic enough to carry out that sort of wish fulfillment. (Holding her hand in his. Overflowing with feeling beyond the bounds of any knowable analysis. Her eyes and the quiet answers preciously encapsulated therein. Pregnant with understanding. Swollen with simpatico and something that love doesn’t even come close to describing.)

The thought of a bullet powder kegs him into visions of universal exit wounds. A hunk of bleeding Swiss cheese standing in for the thrifty, little, blue globe that stands on his desk. Even though he can’t see it, he knows that the inkwell is beginning to pustulate. He tries to slide over to it.

The fact that something of such importance is happening just beyond him momentarily makes him ignorant of the fact that the television is growing claws, that the toaster is ejaculating millions of sexed up serpents, that the radio is going to suck the marrow out of his bones. It won’t be long before he understands that he has lost. Checkmated by one and all.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Into the Night

Into the Night

Mark Coleman

Some people are spright in their rising. I slither and ooze out of bed. Sleepless. Postponing shooting myself another day. Staring at the blind filtered light with pure, unadulterated hatred. A stare cocked and aimed. Ready to become more than mere metaphor. End up in my mouth. Sit there on the dry roof beneath a screaming skull.

A mind diluted and half snuffed by the very act of trying to rise to meet a day that, I know, will be like all the rest. If anything, it’ll be a little worse. It snowballs. Sometimes it breaks apart, and drifts across the rest of your life. The fist wrapped around your heart is always there. Gradually tightening. Shards of ventricle glittering the ribs.

Broken bottles paving the road that leads forward and backward. But somehow, regardless, always dead-ends. Same thing happens to everything that you try to write. The keys staring up at you like faultless children. The bottom lip trembling as the hand comes down again and again. Not leaving any marks, but a page as blank as a junkie’s gaze. The pain that stinks.

Standing under the shower. But it’s deep, underneath the skin. In the veins. Taking over the body like a cancer in its terminal stages. Sitting on the toilet, trying to shit it out. But all that ends up in the bowl are cigarette filters, and half burnt, half torn pieces of paper. Tape unrolling from the register with unseen amounts totaled from years of credit line bull. Backtracking until existence ceases to exist, and a slightly pulsating darkness is all that remains. A pit that threateningly vibrates malice.

Trying to smooth out the creases in the blood money laundered with your pants. Fingers numb and clumsy. Shaking and gathering beads that slowly trickle and puddle on the counter. Wet shadows in the wet house. Everywhere the crusts of waterfalls that carry the stench of every sewer in the world. Cascades that claw your eyes and bite the small of your back.

Grinning in their flow as they edge you towards the balcony railing or garret window. The abattoir below takes you in, and begins to scintillate. Burgundy solar flares rotting a fuck-all-dime-store-nimbus. About to boil over. The Forever denying that anything will stick, but, aching, it unpeels itself and, screeching, slinkys down the wall.

Noodling in jellyfish infested waters. Coming up with stings the length of Colfax. Scabies that speed up the flesh. Evanescent. Heat wave specters. The telephone poles craning their stiff necks then snapping back into place with the buoyancy of a cock repeatedly going hard. Everything elastic, pulling apart the legs of the world. Thrusting in blind fuck rage. Raped by the jazzed up phantoms.

Palm fronds gnashing nipples and spitting on areola. Needles trailing blood and semen across sped up custodial records. The petticoats that dance and blockade. Hot, pink female ejaculate flung from mop buckets across rusted, ill-tempered chassis. Melting underdogs seersucker glued to roulette table felt. Bent and throbbing. Red. Black. Red. Red. No go. No color hit. No number hit.

Howling, nameless crapshooter faces, beating odds, forcing them up and out. Into the night. A night quilted with bargain bin shopper probability. Carts shoved over, and knives pulled. Lips pulled back from yellow canines. Rolling in the shit and garbage. Beneath a giant’s stiletto heels that decide to gore each. Pirouetting and rocketing star ward in a pair of precociously out-spangled ballet shoes. Stage one. Candy. Grinding. Gyrating. Nipples popped, plucked, tweeked, tweezed. Over sexualized dressing room banter. Masks pulled. Sucking greedily at the air beyond the rubber. That stale, smoke choked dross. And then the cat-of-nine welting, coddling. Safe words will not be used tonight. We have a birthday.

Rafter self-hanging. Squirting, bucking death throes. Ragamuffin dances in the blanched rain. Ash zebraed. Eyes crossed out by working man intersections and out-of-order stoplights. Corpulent beggar-less flashes. To the gills with formaldehyde and methadone. To the gills, and pulsing their mad life-death. Cunts stuffed with strobing vibrators. Pudenda rings inset with precious stones at the clit. Rosary beads and silver spoons. Porcelain dolls preposterous but malevolent, perched in antique windows. Watching the passer-bys with cerulean, pupil popping eyes. Their dark veins mapping out a river system for pervert seed.

The darlings presented with soiled gifts by their traveled cock-sucking fathers. Wrapped in butcher paper, and carefully tied into special, surprise screaming bows. Loved and held to chest, where they can better mainline their nightmare. The future already turning rancid without realization.